The Bachelor: Return of the Abs!

Well, welcome to the new season of The Bachelor! This time we will be following Sean’s wacky hi-jinx o’ love. I thought Sean was a little bland when he was on Emily’s season, but hopefully he will relax and open up this time around, and maybe seem less worried about always saying the right thing. But, he does seem better than Ben right off the bat, so I will give him that!

We see his opening montage which is very skin heavy. I think his shirt was off within the first… 30 seconds? We learn that (surprise!) Sean wants to get married, he wants kids, and he was shocked that he didnt “win” when he was on Emily’s season. Dont worry, he’s over it now though.

Oh, hello! Am I on camera?

The next scene is odd. Ari, Sean’s “old rival” but also “old friend” (so confusing!) shows up to give Sean advice, even though Ari has no more experience with this than Sean does. So if they wanted Ari on the show so bad, why isnt he the bachelor?! No really, WHY? Maybe too much of a player? Maybe he didnt want to. Maybe he’s just busy racing cars. Maybe he’s trying to get back with Emily! Who knows. He makes Sean practice dumping people, and kissing. He gives him pointers which really cheapens all the romantic kisses we saw him give Emily, because now it seems like he kisses everyone the same way. Oh well, romance gone.

Come to Papa

Oh no, now it is time for the excruciatingly awkward meeting of the women. Oh but first we get a clip package of some random girls. I wonder how they chose who they show in this part. We see quite a weird collection of people, including one girl who is obsessed with 50 Shades of Gray, so that’ll be fun (by fun I mean embarrassing). They all think Sean is going to be their husband, though none of them have met him. Uh oh, we have another model. Or maybe “model.” Flashbacks to Courtney! There was also an organizer, a wedding planner, an engineer, and someone who doesnt like nerds.

The most important thing I learned from the parade of women is that “jumbotron operator” is a job!Sean hugs all the women, and tells each of them: “I’ll look forward to talking to you inside.” I found his consistant use of future tense a little odd.

“I dont get it” -Sean’s face

50 Shades girl pulls a tie out of her dress and I guess it is a reference to the book, which I’m sure Sean hasn’t read. She says maybe he can teach her how to use it later, and he looks extremely confused.

It’s a bold way to make a lasting first impression…

One girls tries to backbend/walk to Sean and for some strange reason her arms turn to jelly. Fun to watch though! Then Tierra gets a rose on the driveway! First driveway rose of the series! I guess her smile was somehow more engaging than anyone elses. Ok. The other women, in a shocking turn of events, are happy for her! Just kidding, they’re pissed.

Then this happened

Just when you think the never-ending parade of women is over, there is one more surprise! I was really hoping it was Emily, just to give all the other girls aneurisms, but alas, it is Kaci. As in Kaci B! She was on Ben’s season, and I thought she was pretty nice and sweet, so I was always happy that she didnt win. But now she is back, looking about half the size she was before. Seriously, she is so skinny now!

I missed this shiny driveway!

The women, once again, are jealous, and do a terrible job of hiding it, explaining their bitchiness with stunning jumps in logic, such as “she didnt make it work with Ben, so why should she get another chance with Sean.” Because we all know that if one guys dumps you, you should never get another chance, ever.

I, on the other hand, am glad she’s here! We keep recycling contestants, so it makes a lot of sense. Why wait til Bachelor Pad? We do learn that they have hung out before, as friends…. I hope she wins! Haha. Why not?

A ginger-ale-with-no-ice toast!

Sean chats with each girl and is handing out roses like nobody’s business. Kaci thinks she should have one too. Alright, slow your roll. There is still, I assume, an actual rose ceremony? Actually, that would be fun, to get rid of the ceremony, and just hand them out through the night, and then all of a sudden theres no more and if you dont have one you’re out! Like musical chairs! Maybe next season… The women are extremely confused about the multitude of first impression roses. They arent good with change and they all sound like idiots and are obsessing over labels like “first rose” vs “first impression rose.” It’s pretty funny.

Then the 50 Shades of Crazy girl starts dancing to no music, which is pretty great. Oh man, it would suck to get this drunk on your first night no tv. So embarrassing! She talks to Sean, slurring her words about them getting married, and how her mom is just as crazy as she is, referring to Sean already as her son-in-law. So that’s fun! She wont let Sean talk, which is a great strategy. He does manage a good line about a rape whistle though, so clearly he is NOT comfortable with this crazy pants.

Where’s my tie??

Then comes the world’s least exciting rose ceremony, because we know none of the people who are staying or going. To recap: some stayed, some went. Did 50 Shades stay? I dont know.

Stay tuned for a season of jumping off things, climbing up things, people who are there for the wrong reasons,crying, neck braces, man tears, engagement rings, and of course, HELICOPTERS! The ultimate vehicle of love. See ya next week!

Oh, and, question answered. 50 Shades did not get a rose. She is sent home alone with her tie, and she remains a weirdo to the end.

Watch out Detroit!