The Bachelor: World's Longest Onscreen Rose Ceremony

Well, on this week’s episode (after seeing Chris Harrison in a jean tuxedo) we pretty much jump right into the first date, which is with Leslie, who is very girl-next-door pretty, and young looking. She wears a cute but fancy for daytime lace dress and Sean takes her to a run down looking place in Hollywood: the Guinness Record Museum. They do boring, normal things, and Sean shows Leslie that his dad holds a record! It isnt explained that well–apparently he drove through the 48 continental states in 97 hours. Im not really sure how that works, but ok. I mean, that’s only 4 days of driving. Did he sleep? I want more info! But I dont want it enough to google it.

Why did I eat that bag of Fritos??

Since this is a tv show, going to a museum is certainly not a sufficient date, so Sean and Leslie are going to break a record of their own, while the world watches (or, while like 35 people on Hollywood Blvd watch). Longest onscreen kiss! Mostly it is a long shot of Leslie’s dress riding waaaaay up, Sean occasionally touching her butt, and Leslie laughing and laughing. I can’t tell if there was any tongue involved, but I’d think that would make the time pass faster. Anyway, spoiler alert!! They break the record! This was probably planned with the thought in mind that this would be their first kiss, so their interviews could be all, “Well, this first kiss is one for the record books! Literally!!” but Leslie ruined that by awkwardly going for it on last week’s group date.

Then they go talk on a couch while drinking champagne, once again about their parents marriages. It seems to be Sean’s favorite topic. Sean keeps looking like he wants to kiss her, and then Leslie will just start talking awkwardly. It’s funny. Going by Leslie’s looks, she could definitely be in the top 4. I’ll call it! Then they kiss some more, and my question about tongue gets answered. Unfortunately…

Ah! I can’t even tell whose tongue that is…

Time for the group date! I wonder what terribly embarrassing thing they will be doing this week. Ok, volleyball. Whoever wins hangs with  Sean. Kaci is having flashbacks because I think she was involved in the playing baseball for Ben date. Also notable this week: it took like 15 minutes for them to show us Sean’s abs!

Wanna set a record for most topless pushups?

The volleyball game ends in tears as well as screaming. Some people have to leave, and neither team gets to exit in a helicopter! That is unacceptable. Some girls cry in a van on their way back to the mansion.

The second half of the date is at “Sean’s” “house,” and it begins with him making out with somebody (the substitute teacher whose name I forgot), then with Des, who tells us she is a deep thinker but has yet to show us that she is a deep thinker. Then we see Amanda’s face for the first time tonight, saying she hopes she gets the rose.

That rose is mine!

Hmm. Well I for one didnt even know she was on this group date, so I don’t see her getting the rose, but who knows. I hope she leaves soon, there is something unsettling about her. I think she’s kinda mean. She sits with Sean and acts like she is on a job interview, discussing why he should marry her. One of her reasons is that she will bring a light and airy quality to the relationship… Interesting sentiment coming from someone who looks like a death eater half the time.  The girls call her creepy, and I must agree. She is also the first girl Sean didnt kiss, but then again at this point maybe that makes her MORE special?

Kaci then decides to be a little sneaky while also playing the game all wrong. Seriously, what a dumb move. She doesnt think Sean will like drama, so she wants to tell him that Des and Amanda were kinda fighting. Maybe? Well, by bringing it up, you are making yourself part of the drama. Sean shows some intelligence by asking Kaci why she’s bringing it up when it has nothing to do with her. Eek, Kaci looks bad and she’s not making a lot of sense, probably because what she is talking about isnt even real. Bad move, girl! No kiss for you! Sean calls her crazy, to her face, so I dont think she’ll be winning afterall. Kaci cries and talks about her plan not working. I think she though she knew all the right “moves” and could win that way, but Sean appears to be smarter than Ben (not hard to do), so it’s not working.

Guess who does get the rose? The girl who just sat and talked to him about herself and him. Lindsay! Lindsey? Lindzee? Linnndsaiey??? Something like that.

Before we get to the next one on one date, Tierra falls down the stairs. It’s weird that no one saw her fall. She is wearing Tom’s– how is the grip on those? I have slipped on wood stairs before, so maybe she took a little tumble, and then made a bigger deal out of it to get attention. But then it got out of hand.

Too much attention!

The medics try to take her away and she decides she is now embarrassed and wont go. It’s all very odd. Then Sean has to comfort her and she is 100% fine, so I’m sure she was always fine. She annoys me too.

Ow, my head– just kidding! Let’s hang out!

Eventually, though, Sean does leave her for his date with AshLee (that L is not a typo), who is annoyed that her date was postponed. But she pulls it together for Sean and they head to Six Flags. AsHlEe is also wearing a very short, lacey dress. Do these women not own jeans? Anyway, I can’t make fun of this date because they hung out with 2 terminally ill (I think?) best friends who were meeting for the first time. They looked like they all had fun together, and aSHlEE was very nice to the girls and so was Sean.

3 on 1 date? JK! Those girls are like 14…

Eventually Sean and Ash’ Lee hang out just the two of them. She wants to tell him about her past, which is that she was adopted and in foster care or something. He says he wants to adopt too, and she’s excited. She SEEMS very sweet. And she makes SeAn cry, which was awesome. They dance and AsHLe_E talks about placing her heart in his hands or some such. Then she cries too.

Rose Ceremony! Boring. He brings the one girl’s dog for her and she cries. It was nice of him.

One big happy family

Then he meets with Tierra and asks her how she is and she says her back hurts and he’s like DO YOU NEED A DOCTOR OR NOT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? and she says she’s kidding. It’s not at all endearing. Des takes him away and I want her white dress with a heart cutout in the back! Then Tierra takes him back and it’s annoying all around. Can’t there just be some kind of sign up sheet and they each get 40 minutes, since these parties apparently last like 10 hours.

Ultimately, no one is satisfied, and now it’s time to hand out some roses! But wait! He wants to talk to Kaci privately. All the other girls are worried, because he brought a rose with him. Kaci’s dress is way too 80s. He tells her they are just friends and he wasnt going to ditch her via rose ceremony. All the girls breathe a sigh of relief when they realize Kaci is gone. So really, Sean wanted to get rid of three people instead of 2. Nice!

Many hours later, these are the women he is not “moving forward” with.  Taryn:

Well BYE

In her exit interview she thought she might not have been sweet enough for Sean (interesting leap) and that maybe getting married “isnt her card.”

and Kristy, who is apparently a model, and who pretty much lost the volleyball game for her team. Maybe she’ll go home and become obsessed with volleyball, and she’ll show off her skills at the reunion show!

But I wore my BIGGEST bun!

Next week we have rock climbing, roller derby, and accusations of “fakeness”! Stay tuned!

Oh yeah, and Sean wore a tank top… I was going to ignore it, but I’m just not sure I can. I mean, I know Sean worked hard to get those muscles, but guess what– we can see them through a tshirt too!

This color blue really brings out my armpit hair.

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