The Bachelor: Elephant Love Song

Wel, settle in kids! The THREE HOUR Bachelor Season finale is upon us. I wont be recapping After the Rose– I’ve got errands and chores and work to do! So, come join me in listening to Sean complain about being in love with two people…for two hours.

His family arrives in Thailand which seems like a very long journey to take two little kids on just so that they can “help Sean pick a girl” and I’m wondering if this is going to mess up their idea of relationships for the future…No mention is made of the fact that Sean saw his sister pretty recently, in St Croix. Strange.

Catherine- Come on down!

Sean’s parents both interview Catherine by asking her absolutely inane questions like “do you believe in the Bachelor process.” “Do you love Sean.” Im sure she’s going to say no, she thinks this whole show is a crock o’ shite but she does love free travel. Apparently Catherine never thought this would work, and that she was very skeptical. I feel like people who are “very skeptical” (as in, actually very skeptical), well, they dont come on this show!

Anyhow, both Sean’s parents love Catherine, and I do too. She seems much more interesting than Lindsay. They may both be silly and goofy, and I think there is depth behind Catherine’s silliness. Lindsay maybe not.

Lindsay arrives next in a really cute navy lace dress and turquoise necklace. It’s so weird to be interviewed by parents in exactly the same way you would for a job interview. Sean’s dad even gave her a hypothetical situation and asked her what she would do. That doesnt really happen in real life either, right? You just get to know people by talking about normal things. With parents anyway.

See how funny I am!?

Also, tell me if this is normal: Sean’s dad says they started praying for Sean’s wife on the day he was born. What does that mean? They prayed he would find a wife? From the day he was born?? I dont know, maybe this is a thing people do…someone help me out.

So, meeting the parents only took like 20 minutes, there is still so much show left!!Sean makes his mom cry by saying he can’t decide. She rightfully says maybe that means neither of them are right for him, and she doesnt want this to end badly. He tells her she’s not really telling him anything new, and he needs their support, not their help. Or something like that. He says it nicer, but same meaning.

I’m sad because you’re starting to sound Mormon….

Lindsay and Sean are going on what could possibly be their final date. Or they will be engaged next time they see each other. That is a real brain twister, eh? They hop on a raft and float down a river. Sean explains a few facts about Asian geography that the producers gave him to memorize, and Lindsay pretends to be interested. What I really want to know is what the guy steering the raft thinks of all this.

I should have called in sick today

That night Sean tells Lindsay not to be nervous about losing him. Gee, I wonder how she’ll interpret that. And will she be right? They light lanterns and release them into the night sky. They are also matching again. Meeting the parents they both wore navy, now they both have coral. Interesting…

We are so in synch

Hmm, except now Catherine and Sean are both wearing purple so maybe the producers tell them what to wear so they dont clash.

Or maybe Sean really is in love and synched up with both of them!

Sean and Catherine ride an elephant up a mountain and Catherine is so excited. It’s weird because with all the awesome stuff they do on this show, you rarely see this much genuine excitement. She talks about how cool the elephants were and how the view is amazing and she doesnt even qualify it by saying, “but not as amazing as Sean.” And that’s why I like Catherine.

As Chris Harrison explained “elephants are the new helicopter.” Thanks for the article Steph!

Later that night, Catherine tells Sean she loves him, and shockingly, he doesnt say it back. This upsets her. Well, he did reassure Lindsay, and he hasnt said anything to put her mind at ease, so if he does end up picking her, he hasnt really treated her that well if he cant give her some kind of secret message or something. They do that on this show! You hear about it after the show ends. Hmmm.

I am fast forwarding all the Chris Harrison talking to the studio audience parts. If anything good happened during that part (yeah right) fill me in.

Next up, Sean picks out the same ring they always pick out, which is a cushion cut middle stone surrounded by pave diamonds, and then all of a sudden Sean is talking about how excited he is to propose to the woman of his dreams. So, when did he stop being so confused?? How did he resolve that huge problem we were led to believe he was having?

The girls get ready and both tear up. Lindsay because she’s happy, Catherine because she’s scared. Who will Sean chose?

Silver?

Or gold?

Well, gold is the winner, is this a clue??

Chris asks all of the “losing” girls who they think Sean will pick. I skipped all of it but AshLee, who weirdo to the end, says the only thing that matters is what is best for Sean. Regardless of whats best for Catherine or Lindsay I suppose.

Well, the big moment has arrived. And, first to show up is Lindsay, which means she is now getting dumped. In my experience, the ones who are the most confident are not the winners. Also, the dress she picked looks pretty terrible on her.

She goes through quite the range of emotions, naturally.

From this….

…to this…

…and finally, to this.

Throughout it all Sean is super annoying by repeatedly saying how great she is, that he LOVES her, and that this was super hard for him! Not what someone wants to hear when getting dumped. Like, if you think I’m so great, why arent you proposing? Which means that what you are saying feels like a lie. He also keeps saying that “it’s important that you know how hard this is for me.”

Poor, poor Sean. He gets to go propose to someone else now. That does sound hard.

Actually Sean, I think it’s important that you know why this is hard for Lindsay, but he really doesnt seem to get it.

And now, the mysterious letter! Well, since this is The Bachelor we pretty much knew that the letter would be not at all dramatic, though of course we always hold out a tiny bit of hope that this time, maybe, they wont just be toying with us, and something truly dramatic might happen. Alas, it is exactly what we might have guessed, a love letter from Catherine. UHG! Pointless.

So, Sean does propose, and Catherine does say yes. They ride off in an elephant and they allllllll live happily ever after. For at least like 6 months.

Off into the sunset

Well, at the very least I am happy that he picked the one I liked who seemed smart and funny and cool, but I wish they had shown more of her this season, and maybe made it seem like Sean liked her more than they did. Every week I thought she’d be going home!

Our long journey has finally come to a close. What do you think of the new Bachelorette? Could, possibly, be interesting. Or maybe I’ll finally stop watching this show. Only time will tell!

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